So I have a really, REALLY easy job. I work at a hair salon, where the actual salon part isn't open, and no one really knows that it exists, so I just sit for 10 hours a day waiting for someone to come in and maybe buy some shampoo. I do a lot of internet...work. I frequently update on the status of the world. Who's relationship has changed, who's got the most capturing photos that day. It's quite intense. You also would be surprised at how much time shopping can make fly by on the net.
But today, I had to WORK!? Inventory? Stocking? The nerve! The disgrace! What a scandal!? But, but but, this is not like every other day where I get to do nothing! Don't they know who I am? Don't I get a fair warning that I might have to do something for my next shift? But I LOVE having the hours drag by minute by minute for ten straight hours. ITS GREAT.....What about all my important networking and chatting and status updating I have to do!? Don't they know about that? I feel like I'm completely detached from the world....
So I'm not really like that. I love technology, but I swear I'm addicted, obssessed. If it weren't for the internet, I literally would go STARK RAVING MAD. Many say, "Take a book! Use your time!" Yeah easy for you to say. When you just sit for several hours, reading makes you want to fall asleep and then your brain feels like mush and you can't think. I mean this blog is a perfect example. (you better not agree with me) :) The more complicated and over the top technology gets, the more I feel like it's a necessity to living. And what's interesting is that modern technology has re-introduced me to old technology. I found a vintage record player online (craigslist of course) for 40 bucks and I've now spent over a 100 dollars on the player and records because I'm hooked....It's old. It's chic. It's so vintage. I'm so cool. Step aside Ipod, my new friend vinyl 33 is back in town.
So what's next, when I get tired of changing the record side after 4 songs, will I go out and get a music chip inserted into my ear? Will I get an i skip- shuffle -hop- jump that's the size of a penny? Or will I get mid technology and revisit cassette tapes.....? Mmmmm... no cassettes were never cool in my book. I hate rewinding and fast forwarding. God, who thought of that nonsense? Waste of the 80's era of inventions if you as me.
I should try going one day without using anything invented after the year... oh...let's say 1950. I could still drive, I could turn on the lights, and I could watch TV. It could be dangerous, very dangerous, but interesting. Did they have microwaves then? Mmmm that could cause problems at home.
So anyways, where I was going with this was: I actually had a work day where half of it was spent working. For the first time. I think we often forget how easy some of us really have it. I mean what beats getting paid to sit and wear black? Do we really need all this technology? Should we take a step back and detox from technology (yes I know I'm writing an online blog. Get over it) as our playground, our library, our newspaper? Maybe, yes maybe we should. I almost did it today!
But I did have to take a break from working because my I left my cell phone in my car. Had to check for texts.....You know how it is.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Pogger
Scene: An elementary school lunch room.
A bunch of "cool kids" sit at a lunch table. They are all hovered over something in the middle of the table, they are cheering, rooting.
New kid walks up to them.
NEW KID: Hey guys, my name is Rollin, today is my first day, can I sit with you?
All kids look up and observe him all over.
LEADER KID: You can sit with us....only if you have what it takes to be a Slam Bam Jam. And by the looks of you, you don't.
All the kids snicker.
NEW KID: Slam Bam Jam? What's that?
LEADER KID: That's our club and you've got to prove your skills at pogs.
NEW KID: Pogs? What are pogs?
All kids laugh, random shouts of laughing and stating about how he's a loser and everything for not knowing about pogs.
LEADER KID: Geez kid, until you're a Slam Bam Jam, you're nothin. Kick rocks.
All kids get up from the table, lunch bell rings. New kid stands alone. Up walks a strange cowboy kid, a very young Clint Eastwood type. He has a piece of straw in his mouth.
COWBOY KID: So, you wanna be a Slam Bam Jam, huh?
NEW KID: I just want to fit in with everybody else. And I don't know what the fuck pogs are.
COWBOY KID: I can help you, teach you. But you gotta be ready. You gotta be....
NEW KID: ... be? Be what?
COWBOY KID: (beat) A fighter.
Next scene.
We see a montage of New Kid's training. He's pumping iron. He's staring stacks of pogs down like meditation. He's doing pog football like drills. Karate like drills all involving pogs. There's Rocky or Karate Kid music in the background.
Final drill.
COWBOY KID: You have proven yourself...um...New....Kid. You are ready for the final test.
NEW KID: (bowing to his sensail) I won't fail you master.
COWBOY KID: Good. Now I will place the stack of pogs behind you while you are blindfolded. You must then use your other senses and your mind to perform the perfect slam in one jump.
Cowboy kid ties blind fold around new kid's eyes. He turns him around and places the pogs. He steps away from the new kid. Beat of silence. Cowboy kid yells out, not a word, but a strong signal to new kid to perform the slam. New kid yells out and makes a huge slamming jump and gesture. The pogs fly everywhere. A beat of silence. New kid takes off blindfold. He is astounded at his achievement.
COWBOY KID: You have achieved the perfect slam. You are the chosen one. You must pog with the lead Slam Bam Jam.
Scene: Same set up in lunch room. New Kid approaches the Slam Bam Jam table.
NEW KID: I have come to challenge the greatest pogger here.
LEADER: Ha ha, look who's back. So you think you have what it takes huh? Ok NERD, let's do this!
Pogs get set up, big elaborate battle scene to be played out. Everyone surrounds them. Leader and new kid warm up. Cowboy kid goes to the center of the "ring".
COWBOY KID: Ok, I will place the pogs in the center. Each pogger slams once. Who ever has the best sudden death slam will be the victor. Slam Bam Jam leader, you shall go first.
Leader boosts up the crowd, gets cocky.
LEADER: Woo hoo! Let's get this tea party over with!
The leader makes a big slam. He's content, all the people cheer. Meanwhile, new kid is meditating in his corner. Cowboy kid picks up the pogs and re stacks them in the middle.
COWBOY KID: Slam bam jam leader, you have successfully slammed 85% of your pogs. New Kid, it is your turn.
New kid gets up and does a calm breathing ritual, he is becoming one with the pogs. All are silent. He jumps up, makes a big karate sound, and slams down the pogs. Everyone gasps. It is clear that he has completed the perfect slam.
COWBOY KID: You have slammed a perfect slammed. You are the champion!
All kids ooh and ahh the new champion.
LEADER: (starts balling and throwing a fit!) I hate you! AHHH!! It's not fair! I'm the champion! I'm gonna tell my mommy on you! Teacher!
He runs off.
BLACKOUT
A bunch of "cool kids" sit at a lunch table. They are all hovered over something in the middle of the table, they are cheering, rooting.
New kid walks up to them.
NEW KID: Hey guys, my name is Rollin, today is my first day, can I sit with you?
All kids look up and observe him all over.
LEADER KID: You can sit with us....only if you have what it takes to be a Slam Bam Jam. And by the looks of you, you don't.
All the kids snicker.
NEW KID: Slam Bam Jam? What's that?
LEADER KID: That's our club and you've got to prove your skills at pogs.
NEW KID: Pogs? What are pogs?
All kids laugh, random shouts of laughing and stating about how he's a loser and everything for not knowing about pogs.
LEADER KID: Geez kid, until you're a Slam Bam Jam, you're nothin. Kick rocks.
All kids get up from the table, lunch bell rings. New kid stands alone. Up walks a strange cowboy kid, a very young Clint Eastwood type. He has a piece of straw in his mouth.
COWBOY KID: So, you wanna be a Slam Bam Jam, huh?
NEW KID: I just want to fit in with everybody else. And I don't know what the fuck pogs are.
COWBOY KID: I can help you, teach you. But you gotta be ready. You gotta be....
NEW KID: ... be? Be what?
COWBOY KID: (beat) A fighter.
Next scene.
We see a montage of New Kid's training. He's pumping iron. He's staring stacks of pogs down like meditation. He's doing pog football like drills. Karate like drills all involving pogs. There's Rocky or Karate Kid music in the background.
Final drill.
COWBOY KID: You have proven yourself...um...New....Kid. You are ready for the final test.
NEW KID: (bowing to his sensail) I won't fail you master.
COWBOY KID: Good. Now I will place the stack of pogs behind you while you are blindfolded. You must then use your other senses and your mind to perform the perfect slam in one jump.
Cowboy kid ties blind fold around new kid's eyes. He turns him around and places the pogs. He steps away from the new kid. Beat of silence. Cowboy kid yells out, not a word, but a strong signal to new kid to perform the slam. New kid yells out and makes a huge slamming jump and gesture. The pogs fly everywhere. A beat of silence. New kid takes off blindfold. He is astounded at his achievement.
COWBOY KID: You have achieved the perfect slam. You are the chosen one. You must pog with the lead Slam Bam Jam.
Scene: Same set up in lunch room. New Kid approaches the Slam Bam Jam table.
NEW KID: I have come to challenge the greatest pogger here.
LEADER: Ha ha, look who's back. So you think you have what it takes huh? Ok NERD, let's do this!
Pogs get set up, big elaborate battle scene to be played out. Everyone surrounds them. Leader and new kid warm up. Cowboy kid goes to the center of the "ring".
COWBOY KID: Ok, I will place the pogs in the center. Each pogger slams once. Who ever has the best sudden death slam will be the victor. Slam Bam Jam leader, you shall go first.
Leader boosts up the crowd, gets cocky.
LEADER: Woo hoo! Let's get this tea party over with!
The leader makes a big slam. He's content, all the people cheer. Meanwhile, new kid is meditating in his corner. Cowboy kid picks up the pogs and re stacks them in the middle.
COWBOY KID: Slam bam jam leader, you have successfully slammed 85% of your pogs. New Kid, it is your turn.
New kid gets up and does a calm breathing ritual, he is becoming one with the pogs. All are silent. He jumps up, makes a big karate sound, and slams down the pogs. Everyone gasps. It is clear that he has completed the perfect slam.
COWBOY KID: You have slammed a perfect slammed. You are the champion!
All kids ooh and ahh the new champion.
LEADER: (starts balling and throwing a fit!) I hate you! AHHH!! It's not fair! I'm the champion! I'm gonna tell my mommy on you! Teacher!
He runs off.
BLACKOUT
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Craigslist
Craigslist might as well be called CRACKlist. It's so addicting! There's always something to search for which gives you an idea for something else, and oo! better check on any quick bartending gigs that might come around...which reminds me, I should buy a new bar kit, I'll try to barter for 5 bucks.... ha ha ha... I shall rule them all...
I probably spent four hours today at work on Cragislist, no need to get into why I have all that time at work, but trust me, I do. I only started shopping on Craigslist because I'm moving into a new apartment and the thought of all the things people own that I don't have is mindboggling! What about dishes, clocks, extra blankets, first aid kit, a plunger! I don't really want to venture out into no mans land, ie the suburbs, to go to Wal Mart to pay 30 percent more than what I would on Craigslist. Today I got a 20 inch TV for 20 bucks! I contacted them about 10 minutes after the post went up, BOOM. I win. The sweet and bloody taste of conquer. I can see how people get addicted to the internet, there's so much trickery and adrenaline rushes.
Here's what I don't like about Craigslist... people list their IKEA furniture like it's some exoctic decor from the orient. ITS IKEA. I see listings like: Chic, IKEA bed: $3o0. Or: GREAT, UNIQUE IKEA living room set, don't pass this up! $500. I don't think so man. I've been to IKEA in two different countries. They're everywhere. There's one just up I-5....Everyone has the exact same model as you, so why are you asking for 100 dollars for the burch coffee table? Give me a break buddy! I ain't falling for that trick. Plus, many people don't realize that IKEA items can be taken apart and if you don't have a truck, well let's just say you better hold on to those picture only set of directions, because you're going to be putting together a strangely designed piece of Swedish furniture. I can almost here the evil laughter in the rafters...Don't get me wrong, it's a great store, I love going there, it's USUALLY inexpensive and the design is chic enough, but Craigslisters, you need to lower your prices.
Craigslist has also rekindled my relationship with ebay. If it's not on Craigslist, by darn it's gotta be on Ebay! But now I'm bitter about paying shipping charges. Don't like those. Ebay tries to get you by saying, "Hey, starting bid is only one dollar!", and then you see a shipping charge for thirty-five....Sigh....Too good to be true.... but maybe, just maybe if I check on Craigslist again in five minutes, someone will have posted a new one! Yes, surely there will be another one in 5 minutes....I'm telling you this was my train of thought ALL DAY. I have probably seen every shabby chic, modern, vintage, french, paris, black, white, listing there is on Craigslist from the past 4 days. It's a lot...believe me.
I can't wait to see what new and exciting internet cult is to come in the future. I'm already at a Godly level for Craigslist, Myspace, and Ebay, oh and don't forget Amazon where I'm a seller and a buyer. I haven't done Twitter yet....not sure I'm into updating people on my life...if they're interested, they'll send me a message on Facebook, where I should be honored as a lifetime Facebook achiever.
I probably spent four hours today at work on Cragislist, no need to get into why I have all that time at work, but trust me, I do. I only started shopping on Craigslist because I'm moving into a new apartment and the thought of all the things people own that I don't have is mindboggling! What about dishes, clocks, extra blankets, first aid kit, a plunger! I don't really want to venture out into no mans land, ie the suburbs, to go to Wal Mart to pay 30 percent more than what I would on Craigslist. Today I got a 20 inch TV for 20 bucks! I contacted them about 10 minutes after the post went up, BOOM. I win. The sweet and bloody taste of conquer. I can see how people get addicted to the internet, there's so much trickery and adrenaline rushes.
Here's what I don't like about Craigslist... people list their IKEA furniture like it's some exoctic decor from the orient. ITS IKEA. I see listings like: Chic, IKEA bed: $3o0. Or: GREAT, UNIQUE IKEA living room set, don't pass this up! $500. I don't think so man. I've been to IKEA in two different countries. They're everywhere. There's one just up I-5....Everyone has the exact same model as you, so why are you asking for 100 dollars for the burch coffee table? Give me a break buddy! I ain't falling for that trick. Plus, many people don't realize that IKEA items can be taken apart and if you don't have a truck, well let's just say you better hold on to those picture only set of directions, because you're going to be putting together a strangely designed piece of Swedish furniture. I can almost here the evil laughter in the rafters...Don't get me wrong, it's a great store, I love going there, it's USUALLY inexpensive and the design is chic enough, but Craigslisters, you need to lower your prices.
Craigslist has also rekindled my relationship with ebay. If it's not on Craigslist, by darn it's gotta be on Ebay! But now I'm bitter about paying shipping charges. Don't like those. Ebay tries to get you by saying, "Hey, starting bid is only one dollar!", and then you see a shipping charge for thirty-five....Sigh....Too good to be true.... but maybe, just maybe if I check on Craigslist again in five minutes, someone will have posted a new one! Yes, surely there will be another one in 5 minutes....I'm telling you this was my train of thought ALL DAY. I have probably seen every shabby chic, modern, vintage, french, paris, black, white, listing there is on Craigslist from the past 4 days. It's a lot...believe me.
I can't wait to see what new and exciting internet cult is to come in the future. I'm already at a Godly level for Craigslist, Myspace, and Ebay, oh and don't forget Amazon where I'm a seller and a buyer. I haven't done Twitter yet....not sure I'm into updating people on my life...if they're interested, they'll send me a message on Facebook, where I should be honored as a lifetime Facebook achiever.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
A Couple More Blackouts....
Staring Contest
2 people sit across from each other. They are in the middle of an intense staring contest. They struggle, they yell, they are sweating, the end is near....
1: AHHHHHHHHHHH! (1 turns their head and blink. They have lost.)
2: Ha ha! I win!...... Now I must go clean up myself. (They get up and start to walk. It is apparent that they have pooped their pants)
BLACKOUT
Sister Wives
(Sister wives 1 and 2 on stage doing a cross-stitch)
SW 3: (running in) Sister wives! Something terrible has happened!
1: What happened?
2: What is it 3rd wife?
3: Our husband has abondoned us! He has left us for....a.....brother husband. (not sure how to explain that) What ever will we do?
1: Our love will hold us together. I love you sister wives.
2: I love you sister wives.
3: I love you sister wives.
(All three hug)
(They stare at each other....they lean in. They start hard core making out.)
BLACKOUT
2 people sit across from each other. They are in the middle of an intense staring contest. They struggle, they yell, they are sweating, the end is near....
1: AHHHHHHHHHHH! (1 turns their head and blink. They have lost.)
2: Ha ha! I win!...... Now I must go clean up myself. (They get up and start to walk. It is apparent that they have pooped their pants)
BLACKOUT
Sister Wives
(Sister wives 1 and 2 on stage doing a cross-stitch)
SW 3: (running in) Sister wives! Something terrible has happened!
1: What happened?
2: What is it 3rd wife?
3: Our husband has abondoned us! He has left us for....a.....brother husband. (not sure how to explain that) What ever will we do?
1: Our love will hold us together. I love you sister wives.
2: I love you sister wives.
3: I love you sister wives.
(All three hug)
(They stare at each other....they lean in. They start hard core making out.)
BLACKOUT
Chinese Food
I just ordered Chinese delivery because it was raining outside and I really didn't want to leave my work to walk over to Ralph's where it was very likely that I would be accosted by the weird stalker man that talks to me EVERY time I'm there....
Oh...Chinese Food.
The waiting, the anitcipation of my oh so glorious Moo Shu Shrimp is unbearable! But deep down I also wonder if they went light on the oil as was my instructions on the online ordering form....They probably didn't. But oil or no oil I can't wait for those moist, deliciously cabbage, mushroom, shrimp, egg stuffed pancakes to enter my body and rest in my tummy.....
Oh moo shu shrimp, I did not expect you to be pre wrapped by the restaurant, that sucks, the plum sauce isn't on there and the pancakes are falling apart due to your hot, running juices. But moo shu.....you you moo shu....
I could only eat one and a half. The leftovers are in a mess in the styrofoam box waiting to be refrigerated and eaten by my boyfriend after next sunrise.
Oh moo shu.....
My stomach is ever so full, my intestines working full speed ahead. Oh moo shu.... why are you so heavy? Perhaps you should lay off the water chesnuts and soy sauce. I'm so filled with your spirit it's hard to stand up. Actually standing up sounds as enjoyable as an audience of Germans screaming obscenities at a boxing match.....Oh moo shu.....
I'm starting to ponder, dear moo shu, if you weren't out to get me from the beginning. Yes, I am feeling like a sack of digger right now moo shu. I fear the minutes to come, the walk to the washroom, and the washroom itself, yes I fear that.
But hark, moo shu there you rest, 3/4 of you still remains. Your call is strong, is fierce, and your smell extremely potent. You will not taste the same, oh no, after the eve. But my boyfriend won't care, he eats anything, even you, dear dear dear moo shu. Though we have a love-hate relationship moo shu, I do love you. I will always love you. I especially love how easy it is to order you at eat24hours.com on the web net. Oh moo shu.... My moo shu.
Oh...Chinese Food.
The waiting, the anitcipation of my oh so glorious Moo Shu Shrimp is unbearable! But deep down I also wonder if they went light on the oil as was my instructions on the online ordering form....They probably didn't. But oil or no oil I can't wait for those moist, deliciously cabbage, mushroom, shrimp, egg stuffed pancakes to enter my body and rest in my tummy.....
Oh moo shu shrimp, I did not expect you to be pre wrapped by the restaurant, that sucks, the plum sauce isn't on there and the pancakes are falling apart due to your hot, running juices. But moo shu.....you you moo shu....
I could only eat one and a half. The leftovers are in a mess in the styrofoam box waiting to be refrigerated and eaten by my boyfriend after next sunrise.
Oh moo shu.....
My stomach is ever so full, my intestines working full speed ahead. Oh moo shu.... why are you so heavy? Perhaps you should lay off the water chesnuts and soy sauce. I'm so filled with your spirit it's hard to stand up. Actually standing up sounds as enjoyable as an audience of Germans screaming obscenities at a boxing match.....Oh moo shu.....
I'm starting to ponder, dear moo shu, if you weren't out to get me from the beginning. Yes, I am feeling like a sack of digger right now moo shu. I fear the minutes to come, the walk to the washroom, and the washroom itself, yes I fear that.
But hark, moo shu there you rest, 3/4 of you still remains. Your call is strong, is fierce, and your smell extremely potent. You will not taste the same, oh no, after the eve. But my boyfriend won't care, he eats anything, even you, dear dear dear moo shu. Though we have a love-hate relationship moo shu, I do love you. I will always love you. I especially love how easy it is to order you at eat24hours.com on the web net. Oh moo shu.... My moo shu.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Diet
Scene: Living room of an apartment. Two roommates sit on a couch.
BEAT 1
1: I think I'm gonna start a new diet.
2: Oh yeah? Which one?
1: Well I think I'm gonna combine the apple diet with the Atkins diet with South Beach and the Cabbage Soup diet.
2: Hmm, well good luck with that. Listen, speaking of, I'm heading to the gym in a couple minutes. Wanna go?
1: Ooh, I would but, I really need to get started reading all these diet books that I got at the library!
2: Oh, ok.
BEAT 2
2: Well, I guess I should get moving. I'm gonna go to a cycling class after work, you wanna go?
1: Mmm, I can't. I need to go to the grocery store to basically restock my whole side of the fridge and pantry. I have a list that takes up 3 pages! Really excited! Hit me up next time.
BEAT 3
1: Hey have you seen my jug of apple cider vinegar? I completely forgot to take my shot of it this morning and now I have to take 3 shots of it and eat a white onion whole in order to make up for the missed metabolism boost for the day. Which reminds me, I gotta find my swimming goggles.
2: (messing with a laptop) Um... no, but I'll keep my eyes open for it. Or my nose. Awesome, just finished making a new high energy song list. I'm gonna go for a run, see if it helps. Let's go to Runyon Canyon for a run.
1: I totally would, but I have a group meeting for dieting enthusiasts. Should be helpful. Let's do something tomorrow.
BEAT 4
2: Hey check out this flyer I picked up today. Free yoga classes for a week, just around the corner. Looks like they have a class in about an hour, we should check it out.
1: Yoga is a waste of time, there's not enough cardio involved. You know me, I have to have my hard core cardio. Besides, I'm supposed to do my hour of power then.
2: Your hour of power?
1: Oh yeah, it's where for an entire hour I drink as much beet juice and prune juice as I can to clean out my colon. I have to be standing still the whole time too. Should be good.
2: Wow.
BEAT 5
2: Hey you remember that guy we met about a month ago, the one who works the desk at Bally Fitness?
1: Um, yeah, kinda.
2: Well, I ran into him at Starbucks. He told me he just finished his personal training certification and he's taking on new clients for free for a whole month to try to promote himself. He said to stop in later tonight to sign up. This is way too good to pass up, you gotta do it with me.
1: What's with you and exercising?
BLACKOUT
BEAT 1
1: I think I'm gonna start a new diet.
2: Oh yeah? Which one?
1: Well I think I'm gonna combine the apple diet with the Atkins diet with South Beach and the Cabbage Soup diet.
2: Hmm, well good luck with that. Listen, speaking of, I'm heading to the gym in a couple minutes. Wanna go?
1: Ooh, I would but, I really need to get started reading all these diet books that I got at the library!
2: Oh, ok.
BEAT 2
2: Well, I guess I should get moving. I'm gonna go to a cycling class after work, you wanna go?
1: Mmm, I can't. I need to go to the grocery store to basically restock my whole side of the fridge and pantry. I have a list that takes up 3 pages! Really excited! Hit me up next time.
BEAT 3
1: Hey have you seen my jug of apple cider vinegar? I completely forgot to take my shot of it this morning and now I have to take 3 shots of it and eat a white onion whole in order to make up for the missed metabolism boost for the day. Which reminds me, I gotta find my swimming goggles.
2: (messing with a laptop) Um... no, but I'll keep my eyes open for it. Or my nose. Awesome, just finished making a new high energy song list. I'm gonna go for a run, see if it helps. Let's go to Runyon Canyon for a run.
1: I totally would, but I have a group meeting for dieting enthusiasts. Should be helpful. Let's do something tomorrow.
BEAT 4
2: Hey check out this flyer I picked up today. Free yoga classes for a week, just around the corner. Looks like they have a class in about an hour, we should check it out.
1: Yoga is a waste of time, there's not enough cardio involved. You know me, I have to have my hard core cardio. Besides, I'm supposed to do my hour of power then.
2: Your hour of power?
1: Oh yeah, it's where for an entire hour I drink as much beet juice and prune juice as I can to clean out my colon. I have to be standing still the whole time too. Should be good.
2: Wow.
BEAT 5
2: Hey you remember that guy we met about a month ago, the one who works the desk at Bally Fitness?
1: Um, yeah, kinda.
2: Well, I ran into him at Starbucks. He told me he just finished his personal training certification and he's taking on new clients for free for a whole month to try to promote himself. He said to stop in later tonight to sign up. This is way too good to pass up, you gotta do it with me.
1: What's with you and exercising?
BLACKOUT
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I saw a lot of people today...
I saw a lot of people today.
I saw a man resembling a humble and professional, middle aged Patrick Swayze. Rest in peace.
I saw Rudy Sarzo! He’s so cool.
I saw an annoying business owner with a voice who can pierce your will to live.
I saw four skinny boys with dyed black hair with stringy mullet cuts dressed exactly the same.
I saw four people rocking out on electric violins, which I learned to be called vipers.
I saw forty year old women dressed like pre teens circa 1979 with the worst faux blond jobs.
I saw a man wearing a Simpsons letterman jacket.
I saw a couple: the man wore a bandanna and a sparkly top hat. The woman had hair larger than the McDonald’s arches.
I saw a lot of Canadians.
I saw a lot of bare heads covered in tattoos.
I saw people with electronic devices growing out of their ears, pulling a rolling briefcase.
I saw huge belt buckles that blinded my eyes in the light.
I saw "cool cats" that never took their fedoras and sunglasses off.
I saw a lot of skinny bitches.
I saw dreadlocks, buzz cuts, long hair, short hair, purple, pink, blue, and green hair.
I saw young and old.
I saw speakers, listeners, writers, and observers.
I saw black, white, tan, brown, and beige people.
I saw students, teachers, lovers and haters.
I saw Jermaine Jackson. Random.
I saw a lot of people today.
Where did I see all these people in one place you ask? Where else but a music convention.
I saw a man resembling a humble and professional, middle aged Patrick Swayze. Rest in peace.
I saw Rudy Sarzo! He’s so cool.
I saw an annoying business owner with a voice who can pierce your will to live.
I saw four skinny boys with dyed black hair with stringy mullet cuts dressed exactly the same.
I saw four people rocking out on electric violins, which I learned to be called vipers.
I saw forty year old women dressed like pre teens circa 1979 with the worst faux blond jobs.
I saw a man wearing a Simpsons letterman jacket.
I saw a couple: the man wore a bandanna and a sparkly top hat. The woman had hair larger than the McDonald’s arches.
I saw a lot of Canadians.
I saw a lot of bare heads covered in tattoos.
I saw people with electronic devices growing out of their ears, pulling a rolling briefcase.
I saw huge belt buckles that blinded my eyes in the light.
I saw "cool cats" that never took their fedoras and sunglasses off.
I saw a lot of skinny bitches.
I saw dreadlocks, buzz cuts, long hair, short hair, purple, pink, blue, and green hair.
I saw young and old.
I saw speakers, listeners, writers, and observers.
I saw black, white, tan, brown, and beige people.
I saw students, teachers, lovers and haters.
I saw Jermaine Jackson. Random.
I saw a lot of people today.
Where did I see all these people in one place you ask? Where else but a music convention.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Misery Inc.
Scene: A group casting session in a small conference room. Around a table are four men dressed well. MAN 1, 2, and 3, each have an interesting costume piece appropriate for their professional work. MAN 4 wears a normal interview business suit. A woman in business attire sites at the head of the table.
WOMAN: Ok let's get started! First, I want to thank you all for coming out today for Misery Incorporated try outs. This is our first reality program here and we are all very excited about the project and hope you are too! How about we go around the room and introduce ourselves and tell me a little bit about how you make other peoples' lives miserable. Let's start with you, sir. (She gestures to the man to her left)
MAN 1: Hello, I'm headache. I'm basically that guy that comes around for all caffeine withdrawals, hangovers, dehydration, and my favorite: migraines due to MSG reactions.
WOMAN: Great! So nice to meet you Mr. Headache, sounds like misery is your right hand man. Ok, next up, you sir? (gestures to MAN 2)
MAN 2: Hello everyone! My name is bad breath. I'm sure you've smelled my work in the early morning or after Indian food. My best career highlights are ruining job interviews and preventing relationships.
WOMAN: Mr. Bad Breath, wonderful to have you here. Can't wait to learn more throughout the casting process! OK moving right along. Tell us about yourself. (She gestures to MAN 3)
MAN 3: How's it going everybody. The name's Unwanted Body Hair. My work is well known more in the eastern hemisphere. I'm a real persistant business man; I get picked on and cut down, shaven to the core, but I do my job to the fullest everday. There's no getting rid of this guy. Misery is my life's passion.
WOMAN: Well Mr. Unwanted Body Hair, you've got me hooked! Or should I say rooted!? Ha ha, woo, I surprised myself with that one. OK and last but not least, um you sir. (She gestures to MAN 4) What's your story? How do you make people absolutely miserable?
MAN 4: Well, my name's Keanu Reeves. I.....
BLACKOUT
WOMAN: Ok let's get started! First, I want to thank you all for coming out today for Misery Incorporated try outs. This is our first reality program here and we are all very excited about the project and hope you are too! How about we go around the room and introduce ourselves and tell me a little bit about how you make other peoples' lives miserable. Let's start with you, sir. (She gestures to the man to her left)
MAN 1: Hello, I'm headache. I'm basically that guy that comes around for all caffeine withdrawals, hangovers, dehydration, and my favorite: migraines due to MSG reactions.
WOMAN: Great! So nice to meet you Mr. Headache, sounds like misery is your right hand man. Ok, next up, you sir? (gestures to MAN 2)
MAN 2: Hello everyone! My name is bad breath. I'm sure you've smelled my work in the early morning or after Indian food. My best career highlights are ruining job interviews and preventing relationships.
WOMAN: Mr. Bad Breath, wonderful to have you here. Can't wait to learn more throughout the casting process! OK moving right along. Tell us about yourself. (She gestures to MAN 3)
MAN 3: How's it going everybody. The name's Unwanted Body Hair. My work is well known more in the eastern hemisphere. I'm a real persistant business man; I get picked on and cut down, shaven to the core, but I do my job to the fullest everday. There's no getting rid of this guy. Misery is my life's passion.
WOMAN: Well Mr. Unwanted Body Hair, you've got me hooked! Or should I say rooted!? Ha ha, woo, I surprised myself with that one. OK and last but not least, um you sir. (She gestures to MAN 4) What's your story? How do you make people absolutely miserable?
MAN 4: Well, my name's Keanu Reeves. I.....
BLACKOUT
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Scenes Written 1/12/10
Inside an office. Dan approaches Carly, the secretary. She's busily typing.
DAN: Hey Carly, how's it goin?
CARLY: Fine, just doin the same ole' same ole'.
DAN: Yeah, yeah workin hard. Hey listen, did you get my texts at all last night?
CARLY: Oh yeah, I did.
DAN: So...whaddya say? I'd love to take you out for a drink some time...
CARLY: Listen Dan, I like you, but I'm just... you know, not....
DAN: Not interested? I don't really get it, we get along really well, always have lunch together, we both love L.O.T.R....
Suddenly John enters with his rambunctious lab. The dog starts sniffing and getting excited.
JOHN: Hey guys! Meet my little guy Chops. I haven't had the chance to get him fixed, so he's, well you know, heated up, if you get my drift. Always searching for a “lady scent”, if you know what I mean. Definitely smells a chocha party from a mile away.
The lab is sniffing at John's crotch.
JOHN: Wow there bud, don't make the ladies of the office jealous. Okay, let's get you off that leash. (Removes leash) Go say hi to unkie Dan and auntie Carly!
The lab runs over to Dan and sniffs anxiously at Dan's crotch.
JOHN: Well now, we know what you did last night there Danny-boy! Must have gotten some seconds this morning, huh pal?
Dan, quite uncomfortable, tries to get the lab away from his crotch.
DAN: Uh...ok....now....don't worry Carly it's not...
Carly, totally fixed on the dog and oblivious to what's happening, starts baby-talking to the lab.
CARLY: Oh my gosh! You are so cute! Yes you are! (She bends down towards the lab and holds it in front of her face) I just wanna hold you all day. Yes I do.
She begins to play little “face games” and “mouth games” to the lab. The lab sniffs anxiously at Carly's mouth, practically sticking its head in her mouth and licking her face off. She's still totally unaware of the situation around her.
JOHN: Carly, um, you never told.....really?
DAN: Every time.
BLACKOUT
CHAPPED
A bus-stop bench. A man and a woman sit next to each other.
WOMAN: Excuse me? Um, I know this is going to sound odd, but do you have any lip balm or something? My lips are just awful right now, in this weather...
MAN: Do I? Here ya go! (Pulls out balm)
WOMAN: Oh wow thanks! (Puts on balm) Oh wow, this stuff is great, what is it? My lips are just buzzing!
MAN: (Chuckling) Ha, well funny you say that, it's Burt's Bees! (He gives a telling smile)
WOMAN: Oh yeah, I've heard of that. (Looks more closely at the balm) Oh wait, oh wow! This is...are you Burt?
MAN: (Still chuckling, but lowers his voice) Well, I am, but you know, I like to keep a low profile.
WOMAN: Oh come now, why do you say that? Everyone LOVES your product! I mean it really feels good!
MAN: Well....you know....the whole bee shortage thing, it's probably better to stay in cognito for a while, just until the whole thing blows over.... (nonchalant, he brushes it off)
WOMAN: I'm sorry, what was that? Did you say a bee shortage?
MAN: Well yeah, bee populations are diminishing.... and my company has been growing..... it's a big number game. People start to put two and two together and well, people can be sensitive about these things. You understand, I'm sure.
Pause
WOMAN: (Bewildered, she doesn't quite get it. Places her fingers to her lips and realizes what that means.) Yeah... of course.
BLACKOUT
"Pushing My Buttons"
Roomie 1 and Roomie 2 asleep in a small college dorm. It is early morning. Between each beat there is a fade in lights and music as well.
BEAT 1: Roomie 1's alarm clock goes off. He hazily hits the snooze button.
BEAT 2: Alarm clock goes off again. Roomie 1 hits the snooze button. Roomie 2 moans and shifts.
BEAT 3: Alarm clock goes off. Roomie 1 hits the snooze button.
ROOMIE 2: Hey man, you might wanna get up.
Roomie 1 waves his arm sleepily.
BEAT 4: Alarm clock goes off. Roomie 1 hits the snooze button.
ROOMIE 2: OK dud, seriously! Could you either get up or turn off the snooze so I can sleep!?
Roomie 1 moans and shifts, etc.
BEAT 5: Alarm clock goes off. Roomie 1 reaches out his arm to hit the snooze button. Roomie 2 jumps out of bed and goes to the alarm clock. He picks it up and starts violently smashing it.
ROOMIE 2: GOD DAMN FUCKING SNOOZING MOTHER FUCKER! AHH!!! (obscenities continue).
Roomie 1 reaches out arm to Roomie 2's face and bops it.
BLACKOUT
DAN: Hey Carly, how's it goin?
CARLY: Fine, just doin the same ole' same ole'.
DAN: Yeah, yeah workin hard. Hey listen, did you get my texts at all last night?
CARLY: Oh yeah, I did.
DAN: So...whaddya say? I'd love to take you out for a drink some time...
CARLY: Listen Dan, I like you, but I'm just... you know, not....
DAN: Not interested? I don't really get it, we get along really well, always have lunch together, we both love L.O.T.R....
Suddenly John enters with his rambunctious lab. The dog starts sniffing and getting excited.
JOHN: Hey guys! Meet my little guy Chops. I haven't had the chance to get him fixed, so he's, well you know, heated up, if you get my drift. Always searching for a “lady scent”, if you know what I mean. Definitely smells a chocha party from a mile away.
The lab is sniffing at John's crotch.
JOHN: Wow there bud, don't make the ladies of the office jealous. Okay, let's get you off that leash. (Removes leash) Go say hi to unkie Dan and auntie Carly!
The lab runs over to Dan and sniffs anxiously at Dan's crotch.
JOHN: Well now, we know what you did last night there Danny-boy! Must have gotten some seconds this morning, huh pal?
Dan, quite uncomfortable, tries to get the lab away from his crotch.
DAN: Uh...ok....now....don't worry Carly it's not...
Carly, totally fixed on the dog and oblivious to what's happening, starts baby-talking to the lab.
CARLY: Oh my gosh! You are so cute! Yes you are! (She bends down towards the lab and holds it in front of her face) I just wanna hold you all day. Yes I do.
She begins to play little “face games” and “mouth games” to the lab. The lab sniffs anxiously at Carly's mouth, practically sticking its head in her mouth and licking her face off. She's still totally unaware of the situation around her.
JOHN: Carly, um, you never told.....really?
DAN: Every time.
BLACKOUT
CHAPPED
A bus-stop bench. A man and a woman sit next to each other.
WOMAN: Excuse me? Um, I know this is going to sound odd, but do you have any lip balm or something? My lips are just awful right now, in this weather...
MAN: Do I? Here ya go! (Pulls out balm)
WOMAN: Oh wow thanks! (Puts on balm) Oh wow, this stuff is great, what is it? My lips are just buzzing!
MAN: (Chuckling) Ha, well funny you say that, it's Burt's Bees! (He gives a telling smile)
WOMAN: Oh yeah, I've heard of that. (Looks more closely at the balm) Oh wait, oh wow! This is...are you Burt?
MAN: (Still chuckling, but lowers his voice) Well, I am, but you know, I like to keep a low profile.
WOMAN: Oh come now, why do you say that? Everyone LOVES your product! I mean it really feels good!
MAN: Well....you know....the whole bee shortage thing, it's probably better to stay in cognito for a while, just until the whole thing blows over.... (nonchalant, he brushes it off)
WOMAN: I'm sorry, what was that? Did you say a bee shortage?
MAN: Well yeah, bee populations are diminishing.... and my company has been growing..... it's a big number game. People start to put two and two together and well, people can be sensitive about these things. You understand, I'm sure.
Pause
WOMAN: (Bewildered, she doesn't quite get it. Places her fingers to her lips and realizes what that means.) Yeah... of course.
BLACKOUT
"Pushing My Buttons"
Roomie 1 and Roomie 2 asleep in a small college dorm. It is early morning. Between each beat there is a fade in lights and music as well.
BEAT 1: Roomie 1's alarm clock goes off. He hazily hits the snooze button.
BEAT 2: Alarm clock goes off again. Roomie 1 hits the snooze button. Roomie 2 moans and shifts.
BEAT 3: Alarm clock goes off. Roomie 1 hits the snooze button.
ROOMIE 2: Hey man, you might wanna get up.
Roomie 1 waves his arm sleepily.
BEAT 4: Alarm clock goes off. Roomie 1 hits the snooze button.
ROOMIE 2: OK dud, seriously! Could you either get up or turn off the snooze so I can sleep!?
Roomie 1 moans and shifts, etc.
BEAT 5: Alarm clock goes off. Roomie 1 reaches out his arm to hit the snooze button. Roomie 2 jumps out of bed and goes to the alarm clock. He picks it up and starts violently smashing it.
ROOMIE 2: GOD DAMN FUCKING SNOOZING MOTHER FUCKER! AHH!!! (obscenities continue).
Roomie 1 reaches out arm to Roomie 2's face and bops it.
BLACKOUT
Non Duplicated Blues
Last night I got my first set of checks from Chase bank since I opened a free checking account there last week. I only did it because I got a coupon in the mail advertising a $100 bonus for signing up for a Chase Checking Account. Well ok, no harm in that...Went in, did my business, and was on my, well almost merry, way. I was a little annoyed at the fact that I have to pay $25 a year for a debit card since it gives you miles, but I got over it, perharps I'll get to 1000 miles by the end of the year...
So last night I get a package from Chase, it's a little ambiguous, I thought maybe it was my debit card or a welcome letter or some other waste of paper that banks insist on. Well no, it was my first set of checks. It wasn't in the usual box of checks setup like EVERY other bank sends you. No no, the box was FOLDED inside the package. So I would have to fold the box myself in order to keep track of my checks, which I might tell you, ripped to the point of uselessness while I was trying to put it together. Fine, no box. But who needs a box anyhow when there are only 3 small checkbooks? 3? Those CHASE people debited $19 dollars out of my account for 3 books of checks? I mean they didn't even have duplicates! They might as well be in a landfill right now. What's the point of checkbooks without duplicates? And if they give the excuse of "including" that dumb little transaction record book, then they are living in denial that no one on planet Earth uses those little books anymore, if they use checks at all! Why are these non-duplicate checks with a stupid little Chase symbol, not even Winnie the Pooh or Anne Gedde graphics, with a faux leather case, I should expect suede or something, so freakin expensive? You can buy a ream of 32 lb card-stock-busines-cut-paper in electric elephant pink for 5 dollars at the Factory Card Outlet. Plus, they had the nerve to send me an ORDER form for new, decorated, and more expensive checks that come in VARIETIES! As if I want to spend another 20% of my bank account in order to give someone a piece of paper to pay for the 99 cent French Vanilla coffee at the 7-11. It's gotten completely out of hand people. We must revolt. Strike for cheaper checks. Strikes are easy. I've been through many French strikes, they have it down to a T. So we'll just use the "methode de la France" to demand better check conditions. I mean what are they gonna do, take away the special gold embossed special edition checks for valued members? I spit on their embossed perforations and watermarks. What the hell is a watermark anyway. BIG DEAL.
Well I feel better now that that's out. :)
So last night I get a package from Chase, it's a little ambiguous, I thought maybe it was my debit card or a welcome letter or some other waste of paper that banks insist on. Well no, it was my first set of checks. It wasn't in the usual box of checks setup like EVERY other bank sends you. No no, the box was FOLDED inside the package. So I would have to fold the box myself in order to keep track of my checks, which I might tell you, ripped to the point of uselessness while I was trying to put it together. Fine, no box. But who needs a box anyhow when there are only 3 small checkbooks? 3? Those CHASE people debited $19 dollars out of my account for 3 books of checks? I mean they didn't even have duplicates! They might as well be in a landfill right now. What's the point of checkbooks without duplicates? And if they give the excuse of "including" that dumb little transaction record book, then they are living in denial that no one on planet Earth uses those little books anymore, if they use checks at all! Why are these non-duplicate checks with a stupid little Chase symbol, not even Winnie the Pooh or Anne Gedde graphics, with a faux leather case, I should expect suede or something, so freakin expensive? You can buy a ream of 32 lb card-stock-busines-cut-paper in electric elephant pink for 5 dollars at the Factory Card Outlet. Plus, they had the nerve to send me an ORDER form for new, decorated, and more expensive checks that come in VARIETIES! As if I want to spend another 20% of my bank account in order to give someone a piece of paper to pay for the 99 cent French Vanilla coffee at the 7-11. It's gotten completely out of hand people. We must revolt. Strike for cheaper checks. Strikes are easy. I've been through many French strikes, they have it down to a T. So we'll just use the "methode de la France" to demand better check conditions. I mean what are they gonna do, take away the special gold embossed special edition checks for valued members? I spit on their embossed perforations and watermarks. What the hell is a watermark anyway. BIG DEAL.
Well I feel better now that that's out. :)
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