Scenes Written 1/12/10

Inside an office. Dan approaches Carly, the secretary. She's busily typing.

DAN: Hey Carly, how's it goin?

CARLY: Fine, just doin the same ole' same ole'.

DAN: Yeah, yeah workin hard. Hey listen, did you get my texts at all last night?

CARLY: Oh yeah, I did.

DAN: So...whaddya say? I'd love to take you out for a drink some time...

CARLY: Listen Dan, I like you, but I'm just... you know, not....

DAN: Not interested? I don't really get it, we get along really well, always have lunch together, we both love L.O.T.R....

Suddenly John enters with his rambunctious lab. The dog starts sniffing and getting excited.

JOHN: Hey guys! Meet my little guy Chops. I haven't had the chance to get him fixed, so he's, well you know, heated up, if you get my drift. Always searching for a “lady scent”, if you know what I mean. Definitely smells a chocha party from a mile away.

The lab is sniffing at John's crotch.

JOHN: Wow there bud, don't make the ladies of the office jealous. Okay, let's get you off that leash. (Removes leash) Go say hi to unkie Dan and auntie Carly!

The lab runs over to Dan and sniffs anxiously at Dan's crotch.

JOHN: Well now, we know what you did last night there Danny-boy! Must have gotten some seconds this morning, huh pal?

Dan, quite uncomfortable, tries to get the lab away from his crotch.

DAN: Uh...ok....now....don't worry Carly it's not...

Carly, totally fixed on the dog and oblivious to what's happening, starts baby-talking to the lab.

CARLY: Oh my gosh! You are so cute! Yes you are! (She bends down towards the lab and holds it in front of her face) I just wanna hold you all day. Yes I do.

She begins to play little “face games” and “mouth games” to the lab. The lab sniffs anxiously at Carly's mouth, practically sticking its head in her mouth and licking her face off. She's still totally unaware of the situation around her.

JOHN: Carly, um, you never told.....really?

DAN: Every time.

BLACKOUT


CHAPPED

A bus-stop bench. A man and a woman sit next to each other.

WOMAN: Excuse me? Um, I know this is going to sound odd, but do you have any lip balm or something? My lips are just awful right now, in this weather...

MAN: Do I? Here ya go! (Pulls out balm)

WOMAN: Oh wow thanks! (Puts on balm) Oh wow, this stuff is great, what is it? My lips are just buzzing!

MAN: (Chuckling) Ha, well funny you say that, it's Burt's Bees! (He gives a telling smile)

WOMAN: Oh yeah, I've heard of that. (Looks more closely at the balm) Oh wait, oh wow! This is...are you Burt?

MAN: (Still chuckling, but lowers his voice) Well, I am, but you know, I like to keep a low profile.

WOMAN: Oh come now, why do you say that? Everyone LOVES your product! I mean it really feels good!

MAN: Well....you know....the whole bee shortage thing, it's probably better to stay in cognito for a while, just until the whole thing blows over.... (nonchalant, he brushes it off)

WOMAN: I'm sorry, what was that? Did you say a bee shortage?

MAN: Well yeah, bee populations are diminishing.... and my company has been growing..... it's a big number game. People start to put two and two together and well, people can be sensitive about these things. You understand, I'm sure.

Pause

WOMAN: (Bewildered, she doesn't quite get it. Places her fingers to her lips and realizes what that means.) Yeah... of course.

BLACKOUT

"Pushing My Buttons"

Roomie 1 and Roomie 2 asleep in a small college dorm. It is early morning. Between each beat there is a fade in lights and music as well.

BEAT 1: Roomie 1's alarm clock goes off. He hazily hits the snooze button.

BEAT 2: Alarm clock goes off again. Roomie 1 hits the snooze button. Roomie 2 moans and shifts.

BEAT 3: Alarm clock goes off. Roomie 1 hits the snooze button.

ROOMIE 2: Hey man, you might wanna get up.

Roomie 1 waves his arm sleepily.

BEAT 4: Alarm clock goes off. Roomie 1 hits the snooze button.

ROOMIE 2: OK dud, seriously! Could you either get up or turn off the snooze so I can sleep!?

Roomie 1 moans and shifts, etc.

BEAT 5: Alarm clock goes off. Roomie 1 reaches out his arm to hit the snooze button. Roomie 2 jumps out of bed and goes to the alarm clock. He picks it up and starts violently smashing it.

ROOMIE 2: GOD DAMN FUCKING SNOOZING MOTHER FUCKER! AHH!!! (obscenities continue).

Roomie 1 reaches out arm to Roomie 2's face and bops it.

BLACKOUT